Approximate Reading Time: 9 minutes
Living Authentically: My Journey as an Asexual and Aromantic Person
It’s been nearly nine years since I’ve had a partner or even any interest in one. In that time, I’ve come to see my life and the world very differently. When you step away from the societal pressures to partner up and shut that valve off entirely, you begin to notice truths about yourself and the world around you that might have been obscured before.
Looking back now, I can see that much of my past relationships and experiences with sexuality stemmed from deeply rooted trauma, which had a catastrophic impact on my self-esteem, my confidence, and my need for external validation. That was compounded by losing my father at 13, leaving me grappling with immense loss and an overwhelming sense of instability. Add to that the societal conditioning I grew up with—the belief that success, especially for women, equates to being in a partnership—and I was living under the impression that relationships were something I wanted, even though I never truly enjoyed them.
I’ve always been fiercely independent, and relationships, for me, were often a source of frustration and discomfort. I found them difficult, unenjoyable, and forced. But because society demanded it, I thought I had to push through and make it work.
When I became a mother in my early 30s, I thought things might change. I assumed, perhaps naively, that the calibre of people I’d encounter and the quality of relationships would improve. I believed that, as a mum, I’d naturally find partnerships that were more reliable, genuine, and aligned with the stability I needed for my child and myself. But sadly, that wasn’t the case at all.
The last relationship I had was so profoundly awful that it completely shifted my perspective. As a mum, the idea of bringing someone else into my son’s life felt wrong. It wasn’t just about me anymore; it was about creating a stable, safe, and consistent environment for him. I didn’t want the chaos of relationships to interfere with his sense of security.
That relationship confirmed something I had always known deep down: I wasn’t a relationship person. It wasn’t for me. For a couple of years afterward, I didn’t have the language to define what I was feeling. I just knew I had no interest in romantic or sexual relationships and that I was genuinely happier without them.
Then, two years ago, I stumbled across the terms asexual and aromantic. It was during a moment of curiosity when my son was invited to an event where the child was donating gifts to an LGBTQIA+ organisation. Curious about the ever-growing acronym, I looked it up and came across these words. And in that instant, a light bulb went off.
"That was me."
I began reflecting on my life and realised I had always been this way, but societal pressure had convinced me otherwise. Women are often conditioned to view relationships as a form of currency, a measure of validation, and even a means of survival. For years, I had been living a narrative that wasn’t truly mine. As I explored my identity, I found comfort in knowing there was a global community of people who felt the same way. I wasn’t alone, and I wasn’t broken. Asexuality and aromanticism were valid, authentic ways of being.
This realisation freed me to live a life that feels meaningful and aligned with who I truly am. Without the emotional and mental energy spent on relationships, I’ve been able to grow in ways I never imagined. My connection to myself, my work, and the people I love is far more fulfilling and authentic than it ever was when I was trying to conform to societal expectations.
Finding Common Ground in a Rigid World
For many, the concept of asexuality or aromanticism might seem foreign, even unsettling. It’s natural to feel discomfort or resistance when faced with ideas that challenge long-held beliefs or societal norms. But rigidity doesn’t help us move forward.
The key, I believe, lies in finding common ground. When something makes you feel angry, disgusted, or confused, it’s an opportunity to pause and explore why that is. Instead of retreating into judgment, ask yourself: What can I understand about this person’s perspective? Is there any part of their experience that I can connect with, even if it’s abstract or obscure?
For example, you might not relate to the idea of being asexual, but you might understand the desire to live authentically. You might not agree with someone’s choices, but you could resonate with their search for joy or their rejection of societal pressure. Finding this common thread, however small, creates a bridge of connection.
This doesn’t mean you need to abandon your values or fully embrace someone else’s way of life. It simply means being willing to see a situation from another perspective. When you can find even the smallest aspect of understanding, you open yourself up to compassion. From there, acceptance and mutual respect can begin to grow.
This practice is especially important as we move into an increasingly modern and interconnected world. The more we can embrace diverse ways of living and being, the more peaceful and cohesive our societies can become. It starts with small steps: finding common ground, opening the door to connection, and building a foundation of empathy.
Redefining Norms
This journey hasn’t been without challenges. We still live in a world where not following traditional pathways—whether it’s abstaining from alcohol, avoiding addictive habits, or stepping away from romantic relationships—invites judgment. People struggle to accept those who deviate from the norm, and the negativity directed at asexual and aromantic individuals can be overwhelming.
But as I see it, this is our opportunity. We are on the cusp of the most modern era society has ever known. With globalisation and social media, these conversations are no longer confined to small, localised groups. Ideas about identity and relationships are spreading more widely than ever before, breaking down barriers and challenging outdated norms.
It’s a time to reflect on how we want to move forward as individuals and as a community. This isn’t about dismantling tradition entirely but about creating space for everyone to live authentically.
I ask, with love, that we embrace acceptance. Not just tolerance, but genuine compassion. It’s about finding common ground, even in the smallest ways, to connect with one another and move forward peacefully.
For me, being asexual and aromantic isn’t just a sexual preference. It’s tied to my values, my lifestyle, and my worldview. It’s about removing judgment and pressure to focus on what brings joy and authenticity to my life. Relationships are just one path to growth and fulfillment. There are countless others.
As we navigate this ultra-modern, heavily populated world, let’s choose love, acceptance, and understanding. Let’s celebrate the diversity of human experiences and support one another in finding joy, whatever that looks like for each of us.
Envisioning Our Shared Future
Through this journey, I’ve come to understand that identity is deeply personal and vastly different for everyone. While I grew up in a time that promoted a practical, “just get on with it” mindset—often dismissive of introspection or self-acceptance—I now see how critical it is to honour and support the unique ways people express themselves. Over time, my own views have evolved. Looking back, I can see that some of my past perspectives were misguided, rooted in a lack of understanding and openness.
For me, a cornerstone of my identity has always been my spirituality. From a young age, I’ve held a deeply profound connection to God. At 13, I began creating my own prayers of gratitude, and this connection has been my anchor ever since. Spirituality is my air—without it, life would feel heavy, hopeless, and unbearable. This realisation has provided me with a powerful lens to understand others. Their expressions of identity, no matter how different from mine, are just as vital to their well-being as spirituality is to mine.
The lesson here is that we all have different aspects that make up our identities. Judging others without understanding their truths only creates division. The common ground I find in my spirituality helps me empathise with others’ needs and values, even when I don’t share their experiences. My hope with this article is to plant a seed for anyone who feels rigid or judgmental about others’ choices. I urge you to find a way to relate—whether it’s through a small, abstract connection or a shared human experience. This practice of empathy and understanding is not just a moral obligation but a necessity.
We are living in exceptionally densely populated cities around the world, and this trend will only continue. While systems are struggling to manage the weight of so many people—particularly as illness and frustration grow—we need to accept this reality. Anger about who should or shouldn’t be here will get us nowhere. Instead, we must shift our focus to finding common ground, seeing one another as part of a shared community rather than as isolated, competing individuals. As I’ve come to realise, moving forward cohesively and in a loving, connected way is essential. We must unite as a community and develop a shared vision for the future.
"Moving forward cohesively and in a loving and connected way, where we can unite as a community and have a shared vision for the future, is how we will thrive together."
What’s missing, I believe, is this vision—a vision that fosters love, joy, creativity, fairness, and connection for all. This is our opportunity to cultivate that vision—by embracing understanding, letting go of rigid perspectives, and uniting as a community that values each person’s unique identity.
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